I hate the fake outrage over the Redskins name

Let me be clear…. I hate the Redskins with the intensity of a thousand white hot suns. I hate Dan Snyder. I hate RGIII. I hate Mike Shanahan. I hate Joe Gibbs. I hate Joe Theismann. I hate Sonny Jurgensen. I hate Billy Kilmer. I hate RFK Stadium. I hate the Hogs. I hate their dumb fight song. I even hate Doug Williams. Yes I HATE DOUG WILLIAMS. The only Redskins that are a notch above co*ksucker to me are John Riggins, and Jack Kent Cooke, the former just a good ole boy that speaks his mind, and the latter maybe the greatest sports franchise owner that ever lived. If he still owned the club none of this name change bullshit would have life.

The elephant in the room is the utter disdain and contempt people have for the current Redskins owner Dan Snyder. In the spring of 2013 he came out and said he would “never change the name.” Yes, it was a brash statement but he was only saying what every football LOVER or intelligent person was thinking. It would be stupid to change the name of a 1.1 billion dollar business; a business with supreme name recognition and, who holds a monopoly in the Mid-Atlantic part of the country, just to appease drive-by fans. I’m the first to admit you’d be hard pressed to find 10 people that really like Dan Snyder, but is that reason enough to go after his team, the city’s team?

To a lesser extent social media is driving this stupidity. Blogs, Twitter, and Facebook, make it so convenient for dummies to press a button and register their dumb thoughts. No time for logic, nuance, balance; clicks and page views are more important than prudence, and judgment. People under 30 probably think this is the first time the question of name change has ever come up. I’m 41 and I remember at least 3 times the winds blew for name change in DC. Real journalist, real thinkers, real intelligence weighed in every time and every time the name was kept. We weren’t savages in the 80’s and 90’s. Political correctness was around. There was sensitivity to the matter, but at the end of the day the name stayed. Now I’m hearing its “inevitable” “a matter of time” that the name will change. How can this be? People in 2013 are not wiser than people from 1983. In fact the very opposite is true.

I hate the Nigger argument. You know the one where a white man says “What if the team was named the Washington Niggers” how would people feel then? They say this as if Redskin and Nigger are fungible terms, as if they are synonyms. Really think about it; have you ever heard someone being called Redskin in a derogatory/racist way?

The hypocrisy of it all is so mind-blowing. You have sports writers like Peter King, Mike Wise, and Bill Simmons refusing to use the full name of the team. These people have lived off the tit of sports their entire adult lives. Listen don’t fall for the banana in the tailpipe. Wise is a fading voice in the DC markets and needed something to make him relevant. Simmons wants to be en vogue because the dumb young people on twitter think the name should change. But I’m most disappointed in King. A guy that was the beat reporter for the NY Giants for years, covered the NFC East for decades. Wrote about all the epic battles between the Giants and Redskins in the 80’s and 90’s never said boo shit about the name being offensive, but now in 2013 when he launches his new MMQB website he decides it’s the time to take a piss on the one that brought that him to the dance. I hate parasites, but there is a special place reserved in hell for parasites that act like they hate the organism that they feed off. Ironically I was watching PTI a few months back during the launch of MMQB.com and Tony called the site MMQB.com, and King corrected him and said it was actually “theMMQB.com”. He corrected him because A NAME is fu*king important!

The Redskins are a flagship member of the NFL. They are only 2nd to the Cowboys in franchise value. They have rabid fan support and their team has won 3 Superbowls. It’s not like you’re asking the Jacksonville Jaguars to change their name. It’s the fu*king Redskins for Christ sake.

The other argument that dummies bring up is public funding. How can a team that takes public funding have a racial slur in the name? First of all I’m still not sure Redskin is a slur, and secondly, the people saying this need to grow up. Tax breaks are given to every major company that is vital to the community it’s located in; see Nike, Lockheed Martin, Google, Ford, and Coke. This is the American way. Job/Commerce creators get perks. It’s that simple. Bank of America, FedEx, Toyota, are all lining up to be in business with the Redskins. Do you think that would be the case if the team was called the Niggers?

Look there are a lot of names I hate, like stupid made-up names that parents give their children, but at the end of the day I respect their right to ruin their child’s life. Where is the uproar against the Blue Devils by religious folks, where is the outrage about the Saints by atheist, where is the disdain for Pirates that rape, pillage, and steal. Fake outrage can be manufactured for just about any one of those teams.

I love football. I’m of the opinion like GOD if football didn’t exist, it would have had to be invented. Stop this madness. Don’t let drive-by fans who really don’t care decide the name of the Washington Football Team. Just please…please leave the Redskins alone.

I hate that the best wing man is a WOMAN

First… In order for me to adequately explain this, I have to share a somewhat misogynistic theory I developed while matriculating through the dog days of college life. During my dating experiences, for simplicity purposes only, I categorized women into (3) distinct groups.

Ones (1) Girlfriends

Girlfriends were women that are attractive mentally and physically, who could possibly achieve girlfriend status.

Twos (2) Close Friends

Close Friends were women that I was actively banging, actively trying to bang, or actively trying not to bang anymore.

Threes (3) Friends

Friends were Platonic Friends.

I lived my life by this theorem when I was in my 20’s. It served me well. A (1) could start out as a (3) and elevate. A (2) could be a previous (1) that slipped, or a (3) that got trapped in the middle. A (3) was just a (3).

Sidebar…. A (3) could be a previous (1) or (2), but I’m telling you right now it’s not worth the effort. It’s the equivalent of turning wine into water which is ridiculous because (A) who’s stupid enough to want to actually turn WINE into WATER, and (B) if I told you I could do it, you wouldn’t believe me anyway. So let’s move on.

Hummm. This setup was a lot longer than I anticipated; maybe I should have made this a separate blog entry all to itself?

To the unexposed eye the (1) would seem to me the most valuable, but it was the (3) that I learned the most from, and enjoyed the most. I’d play chess with (ones), checkers with (twos), but (threes) held the skeleton key, that revealed the cheat codes to all games. If you ever want to understand a very fraction of woman’s immense capabilities, you have to align yourself with knowledgeable (3s). (Threes) are life MVP’s.

(Threes) are unique because there are no expectations, no jockeying, no pretense, and no state of the union. (Threes) are people you like, that like you back. Simple! Words, jokes, fun, have no clandestine or omnipotent meaning; they are what they are, nothing more, nothing less. PURE.

Members of the fairer sex by nature aren’t risk takers. Security is very important to them. Floors are more important than ceilings. They want to see something work before they try it. They want to see you handle a woman before they’ll let you handle them.

Our better halves are also envious. They contemplate with a zero sum mentality. If their friend finds a good man they are happy for them, but in the back of their mind they think “that’s one less for me.” If given the opportunity to seek her own or magically trade places with her friend, she would choose to change places. It’s easier, less messy, less risk.

The aforementioned items all rubberneck into my WINGMAN hypothesis.

Guys… I swear by this. If you don’t have one…find, develop, and cultivate an attractive (three). Bring her to a restaurant, bar, club, lounge….show her a great time, be engaging, thoughtful, attentive, and generous. EVERY woman around you will notice. A woman having a good time, and enjoying herself is a flame that attracts other moths. Other women are drawn, it’s hypnotic; they can’t look away. At this point the gymnastics are done, and all you have to do is stick the landing.

On some vague abstract level I’ve always known women were the best wingmen but I didn’t fully understanding it until I got older. I have this one WingWoman that is amazing. Her success rate is unbelievable. When I retire her, she’ll be a 1st ballot Hall of Famer. Her (WAR – wins above replacement) *geek term* is off the charts. She’s a five tool player (Outgoing, Attractive, Loud, Likes Sports, and Enjoys Alcohol). If you find one of these, pay her the max, never let her become a free agent, stash her away. Her value can’t be measured.

The “prestige” of this particular circumstance is that she has no idea how many times she’s gotten me up to the plate. Oh that’s right….One last thing… Never tell her she’s the WingMan, because the moment you reveal it, the magic is forever lost. She’ll start to press, over-think it, and destroy your team chemistry.

The beauty of the dance is that it’s natural, un-staged, and most importantly organic.