I hate that Curb Your Enthusiasm is better without Cheryl

Cheryl David is the third best female sitcom character of the last 20 years. She slots in right behind Elaine Benes of “Seinfeld” and Liz Lemon of “30 Rock.” Cheryl is funny, charming, and has great chemistry with Larry David (Curbs lead actor).

Season 7 of Curb closed with Cheryl and Larry on the outs, and Season 8 abruptly began with the couple getting a divorce. I didn’t like it, but I knew that Cheryl was such an intricate character that the show would have to find a way to include her in future episodes. To my immediate chagrin Cheryl didn’t appear in episode two, and by the time episode three “Palestinian Chicken” rolled around I wasn’t missing her at all.

Her absence gives the show a prequel type of a feel now. We always wondered how Larry got so lucky as to wed Cheryl in the first place. She’s younger, hotter, and better than him; we assumed that it was the Seinfeld money that made him attractive. So now post-Cheryl we get to see single Larry in all of his glory. And I must say it is “prettay, prettay, prettay” impressive.

In the span of two episodes one of my favorites had become insignificant. Can you imagine “Seinfeld” without Elaine? Cheryl was the table setter of the show. The sneaky hot wife that could stand toe to toe with Larry, and sometimes even outwit him. Larry is certifiably crazy, and we needed Cheryl to make everything believable. Cheryl would hastily apologize for Larry’s social phobias, or try to hijack them before they could do any significant damage. She was perfect. Little did I know, she was actually holding the show back? Season 8 of Curb was the best ever, and the stories told could not have happened organically with Cheryl being an active player.

In Palestinian Chicken (Episode 3) Larry (a Jew) meets a Palestinian woman at a verboten Chicken spot, they have immediate hate chemistry, which leads to the unforgettable scene where she and he are swapping paint, in the bedroom, and she initiates dirty talk by yelling at him “I’m going to Eff the JEW out of you.”

In The Bi-Sexual (Episode 7) Larry and Rosie O’Donnell are courting the same woman, and so Larry resorts to “juicing” to beat the competition. Jane the courted eventually finds out and forbids Larry from entering her Hall of Fame.

In Mister Softee (Episode 9) Larry is dating a woman who doesn’t know about his childhood mental scars and thus doesn’t understand why he goes soft when he hears the Mr. Softee ice cream music. This leads to countless shenanigans ending with Bill Buckner redeeming himself of his 1986 mishandling of a ball at Shea, by catching a baby in New York City.

In Larry vs Michael J. Fox (Episode 10) Larry is dating a woman who has a 6-year-old boy who is “fierce.” The lad’s birthday is coming up and Larry tortures himself trying to find a suitable gift. He settles on a sewing machine. The boy loves it, but Susie feels it’s not appropriate for a boy. Larry confesses that he bought the gift because he assumed the boy was gay. Susie says he’s too young to be gay, in order to be gay you have to have sexual feeling towards the same sex. She continues that the boy probably doesn’t have any sexual feelings, thus can’t be gay. Larry agrees, and then says the boy is “pre-gay.”

Season 8 was fantastic. Larry David is a comedic genius. First “Seinfeid” and now “Curb.” Not too many shows can claim that they are doing their best work in their eighth season. I hate to say it but this is a classic case of “The Ewing Theory” which basically supports the concept of addition by subtraction. Cheryl, you have become a casualty of greatness. We love you, but don’t miss you.

I hate that Tony Romo plays like score is not being kept

The most important part of all competition is score. Score equals accomplishment. Final score determines winning and losing. So no matter how much you score, unless you’re ahead at the final score, you’re a loser.

Tony Romo has a great physical skill set for a quarterback. He’s has a quick release, he’s accurate, he’s mobile all the physical things you want in a QB. But mentally he leaves much to be desired.

The fourth quarter of the game is considered winning time. Romo, not unlike Lebron James has difficulty during this time. I’m not sure if it’s pressure though in his case. I think its just Romo loves to play football so much that he loses sight on playing winning football. And as a Cowboys fan we suffer because of this. We as fans need wins to feel good on Mondays.

Sunday, the Cowboys were up by 7 against the Jets, in the season opener. My Cowboys had command of the entire game. We were inside the Jets 5 yard line. A field goal basically ices the win for us. Romo scrambles and then inexplicably takes off for the goal line, on third down, and dives for a touchdown. This play takes much guts, but little common sense. Like I said, a field goal wins it. When the play wasn’t there he should have played for the win, but he decided to play for the thrill.

Losers play for the thrill. Romo is an adrenaline junkie. He can’t help himself. He wants, nay, needs games to be close for some reason.

Romo fumbles on that dive for the end zone. The momentum of the game shifts, and the Cowboys end up losing by 3 points. Romo has no idea how bad that loss really was on Sunday. A win on the road against a quality team is hard to come by. On top of that there is a mental advantage to winning the first game of the season. The Cowboys play the AFC East this year with two home games against the Bills, and Dolphins. They could have ended up 3-1 against that division. The Cowboys also play the NFC West, which is an also-ran division where they could easily go 3-1. So even if they went 3-3 in their own division that would have left them very close to 10 wins and a playoff birth.

Now all bets are off, and the 49ers game this week is a must-win. You know if you ask loser QB’s about the game, they always say they want to make plays, or they dream about making the big throw in the big game. But a winning QB dreams about being in the Victory Formation, kneeling down with a lead in the big game.

So now Monday sucks, and I have to take all my frustration out on clients, and co-workers. They don’t deserve this, but its trickle down. Romo, does it to me, and then I must do it to you. I can’t imagine where it ends. There is probably some kid somewhere getting reamed and he has no idea why. I’m sure if he re-traced the evidence it would lead back to Tony Romo, and his disregard for winning.

Tony why do you hate winning so much? It’s done nothing to you. Winning is cute and has a great personality. I’m going to set you guys up on a blind date. I think you’ll like each other.

Until Romo gets his priorities in order Cowboy Nation will be forced to be thrill seekers, and miss out on all the winning that our brethren in New England, Green Bay, and Pittsburgh, get to experience.

Bobby Knight once said "Dumb loses more than smart Wins." I'm not sure if truer words have ever been spoken.

I hate Kindles and Nooks

Last year I didn’t buy a book for six months. This was odd because I’m an avid reader who actually loves books. I supplied my reading fix by using the library, and going to bookstores, and “steal-reading”. I didn’t purchase a book because I hadn’t made a decision yet. I had actually given myself a month to decide between 20th century books or 21st century e-books. Would I advance with technology and purchase a Kindle or remain that crabby old man that wouldn’t give in. I was 38 years old at the time, and felt that this decision was coming to a head. These new-fangled contraptions were getting sleeker, smarter, better, and cheaper, so I gave myself 30 days to decide.

I know this sounds crazy but I had a real decision to make here. You see I love books. Not just reading them, but I actually love the construct of books. I’m a very tactile person. I love the smell, feel, binder, paper, and ink of books. One of my earliest memories is me looking at my hands in wonderment because they had turned grey, and asking my mom what was wrong with them. She finally figured out that it was ink from the Washington Star newspaper and all the books I had read that day.

Look, I’m the dude that back in sixth grade, when I was dissatisfied with the book inventory at my elementary school asked my teacher if I could bring 100 of my favorite books to school, and open my own library for my classmates.

Fast forward. I’m 38. In my mind the rationale was this: Books are not like VCR tapes. They won’t vanish overnight. I only have another 30 or so years left. I think books will be around til I’m gone. So why change up now?

My thinking was hard to juxtapose because I own a computer, a blackberry, a laptop, a HDTV, a refrigerator, a stove, and a lamp. I obviously have no problem staying current. Was there more to this decision than I initially thought?

Needless to say the decision required more than a month. My pontification became paralyzing. The decision was huge, but why couldn’t I make it?

The stakes were high because, I would not buy another book until I decided. I didn’t want to create two separate reading streams going forward. The funny part about it was I had already given up newspapers, and was reading news online, so what was so precious about books.

One day I was reading the WSJ online and there was an article about Borders filing bankruptcy, and it hit me. Books had a social component to them. Many of the women I’ve dated, I met at bookstores. Where is the best place for a man of above average intelligence and very average looks to meet a smart woman? Bookstore!!! The slow death of books became layerd to me. The bookstore is like a club for a guy like me. First Books-a-Million, then Borders, and soon Barnes and Noble will all be part of my glorious overachieving past.

I can’t begin to tell you how many conversations I’ve started with “Hey I’ve read that, you’re going to love it.” It’s the perfect pick up line because it’s not a line at all. It’s a beautiful majestic Trojan horse. With these new machines you can’t see what a person is reading. I’m too old to be inventing new Trojan horses.

Eventually, after six months, I finally caved. The format makes too much sense in the world we live in. I purchased a Nook. It’s great, but doesn’t help me with the ladies. So although I’m technologically happy, parts of me are traditionally sad. Oh well! I guess I'll just have to see what's happening at Panera Bread, and Starbucks!

I hate that the word "Partner" is synonymous with gay people

This entry is basically do to my frustration to the fact that there is no appropriate word/title for a man approaching 40 to call the woman he’s in a monogamous relationship with.

I do realize that most people settle on “girlfriend” and move on, but I have a problem with that word. If I’m dating someone over 25 I don’t consider her a girl anymore. “Girlfriend” removes the gravity and seriousness for the relationship.

Some use the word “friend” but that is loose and vague. You introduce a woman as “friend”, and you’re just opening the door for problems, and closing the door on sex that night.

Over the last 10 years or so “boo” has been used. I basically consider this word racial, sophomoric, and ridiculous. Plus it’s the abbreviation for booty call. Didn’t know that did you? I can’t even use the word “boo” without throwing up a little bit.

The term “old lady” is disrespectful, and could be inaccurate. If I’m dating a 23 year old she doesn’t want to be called that, and if I’m dating a 50 year old she definitely doesn’t want to be called that. Also see “friend” for sexual repercussions.

“Shorty” is hood.
“Baby Mama” is disgusting.
“Honey Bunny” makes me think of “Pulp Fiction” and robbing a diner.

“Lover” is very adult and very European, but I don’t think America is ready for it. Plus when you introduce a woman to someone I don’t think she automatically wants everyone to know that you are putting your “P” in her “V” on a regular basis.

“Significant Other” is gay, which leads me to my problem. Last week I’m ending my vacation. I’m at Miami Airport half sleep at the gate, waiting for my Atlanta flight to start boarding. I overhear two gay couples chatting it up, and the conversation is replete with the word “partner”.

And it hits me. “Partner” should be our word. “Partner” very eloquently describes an adult committed relationship between a man and a woman who are partnering in the middle stage of their life. Why do the gays get to have “significant other” which they seem to not want anymore, and get to own “partner” when that is the perfect word for straight people? Is there any way we can get this word back?

I need this word. I may not ever get married. I can’t go on for the next 20-30 years avoiding a word that is so obviously perfect for me. What I’ve resorted to over the last decade is just introducing the woman by her first name and no title, but that makes the woman a little uneasy sometimes.

Now that I think of it, the reason why bachelors in their midlife submit to marriage is because they get tired or being mocked. They have gray hair, gray pubes, bald spots, creaky knees, bad backs, and don’t feel young enough to continue to use the term “girlfriend” anymore. They get tired of feeling icky so they surrender, go traditional, and marry the woman because “wife” sounds more grown up and mature. If only the gays would give us back “partner” or single women would let us call them “wife”.

I hate people that say "Good Question!"

Ever been watching C-SPAN, the Book Channel, or some innocuous press conference and see someone behind a dais fielding questions. That person behind the dais must be important to have people taking time out of their busy lives to come, and gather at the foot of the dais to witness him/her speak. Right? The dais represents the great divide between a reservoir of information (those sitting behind the dais), and information seekers (those sitting before the dais).

If aliens landed in this setting they would instantly know, for lack of a better term, the hierarchy of the room. It would be apparent, the very embodiment of the haves, and the have-nots.

Those behind the dais “have”, and those before the dais “have-not”.

So, the next time you see one of these things on TV, stay on it for a while. You’ll hear 4 or 5 queries posed by the “have-nots”, and the “have” will rattle off answers to those questions. Then something interesting will happen, a “have-not” will ask a question, and the “have” will pause, direct his eyes skyward, look down, and then say, “THAT’S A GOOD QUESTION”.

For a split second you feel good for the person that asked the question. He/she must be intelligent because a question was posed that got a big “gold star” attached to it. After the “have” announces the “good question” line he/she then begins to answer the question as if he/she had a prepared answer at the ready. And this is only due to the fact that he/she DID have a prepared answer at the ready.

A good question, if it were truly good, would stump the “have”. If the question were truly above average, there would be some hesitation or vacillation on the part of the “have”. A good question would garner some type of delay to the answer wouldn’t it?

What is simply happening, in this instance, is the “have” has played a Jedi Mind Trick on us. Most “haves” aspire to genius status so they use the “good question” trick to artificially raise the bar so when they answer the “good question” on the spot it makes them appear smarter than what they are. They announce the “good question” because they need everyone in the room to make the jump with them.

So the next time someone says “good question” to you, your follow up question should be “Why do you consider my initial question to be good?”

And for these next level tools out here that use the “great question” line, there is no hope for you.

Please die….Already!

I hate Jean Robert Bellande aka (BrokeLivingJRB)

I’ve grown to enjoy the game of Poker over the years, and with the advent of televised pokers events, I’ve grown to enjoy watching poker pros play poker on TV. I don’t know about you, but if I’m observing any competition I like to choose sides. It’s makes the event more compelling if I have a rooting interest. Over time I’ve chose my favorite players based on their skill, style, and likeability. My favorite players in order are Phil Ivey, Joe Hachem, Eli Elezra, and Jean Robert Bellande. Bellande less for his poker acumen, and more for his demeanor and personality. I root for him because he’s an underdog. He’s not a very successful poker player, but he lives a lavish lifestyle based mostly off of the people he knows, and not the pots that he has pulled.

Bellande is the everyman poker player. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He updates his fan on his twitter account and lets us know, on a regular basis, what his current bankroll stands at. I’ve seen him take some very bad beats and would often think that if this guy could summons some good luck, he could be a very successful poker player. I believed this up until last week when I saw him make the dumbest poker move I’ve every witnessed in life.

Bellande was playing on NBC’s Poker After Dark in a 100K cash game. He was playing well above the level his bankroll would dictate. He had no real edge in the game. He was playing 6-handed against. Chris Ferguson (WSOP Main Event Champion) Mike Matusow (3 WSOP Main Event final tables), Michael Mizrachi (WSOP Final Table in ’10, and multi final tables in the WPT), Brandon Adams, and Peter Jetten, very good poker players in their own right. Phil Hellmuth 11 times WSOP champion also rotated into the game. In my opinion he was the 6th best player in a 6-handed line up. Everyone at the table knew that if Bellande got felted he didn’t have money to rebuy. So Bellande has at least three strikes against him before the first hand is dealt. This puts him at a huge disadvantage.

I understand that poker players have egos so Bellande probably thought he could outplay these guys or catch a heater, and run his bankroll up. I was pulling for Bellande, and then he did one of the most inexplicable things I’ve ever seen. Blinds are $200/$400. Jetten opens light for $1400, Hellmuth flat called with 44, and then Bellande flatted on the button with AQ offsuit. Ferguson in the big blind wakes up with AK, and raises to $6900, Jetten folds, Hellmuth flats again (looking to flop a set), and then Bellande totally misreads Ferguson for weak and sticks another $36000 in the pot. Ferguson correctly put Bellande on a weak-ish holding. The very best hand Bellande could have at this moment is JJ. No one in his or her right mind would overcall a $1400 raise in position with AA, KK, or QQ. Bellande made an amateur play. He thought that his raise looked strong, but it actually looked very weak. A call would have looked stronger in that spot.

Also Bellande didn’t properly analyze the hand. Ferguson hadn’t showed a bluff all night, and the worst hand he could have had in that position is AQ. Which he would be willing to gamble with if he puts Bellande on JJ. Bellande has very little chance of making Ferguson fold. So Ferguson does the right thing and 5 bets Bellande all in. Bellande has $50000 left. In my opinion he had enough fold equity to lay it down. AQ vs AK is a 27% favorite. He still has well over 120 BB’s left in the match. But because he hates himself he put all the money he has in life in the middle hoping that Ferguson had a hand like 88 or 99. Then he compounds the error by not running the board multiple times to improve his chances. Bellande proves in this hand that he will always be a losing poker player. The 4 bet, calling the 5 bet, and not running it twice are mistakes an amateur makes not a professional. I’m officially off the JRB bandwagon. I can’t watch people I root for choke so badly in these spots.

I hate that Len Bias died

Yesterday marked the 25th Anniversary of the death of Len Bias. Many don’t know who Len Bias was, and to me that’s the shame of the entire matter.

Len Bias was the best college basketball player in 1986, and on the verge of going to the NBA and dominating. He was a freakish athlete. Imagine this. The size of Lebron, the hops of Jordan, and the shooting touch of Bird.

If you think I’m exaggerating ask Michael Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser, James Brown, and the like. He was a can’t miss prospect. He would have gone to the NBA and averaged 20, 8, and 5 in his first year.

The crazy thing about the NBA was that the Boston Celtics, who had just won the 1986 NBA championship, had maneuvered to get a chance at drafting Bias. They used the high draft pick they had and drafted Bias. He would have played alongside; Bird, McHale, Parrish. They would have been unstoppable.

Let’s play the what-if games for a moment. If Bias had lived another 10 years these occurrences would have been highly probable.

No attempt at a three-peat for Magic and the Showtime Lakers.
No repeat for Isiah and the Bad Boy Pistons.
No 1st three-peat for Jordan, and the Bull.
No Jordan retirement in 93’.
No repeat for Olajuwon, and the Rockets.
Bill Russell, not Jordan, would still be widely considered the G.O.A.T.


Unfortunately Bias didn’t live past June 19, 1986. I remember exactly what I was doing when I heard the news. I had just finished 8th grade and summer break was about 3 days old. I was lying in bed thinking about going downstairs to make my breakfast of champions (Sugar Smacks, and Pop-Tarts).

I was also thinking about a conversation I had the night before with one of my buddies. I’m a huge 76ers fan, and Bias had just been drafted by the archrival Celtics. I had watched Bias the last 3 years, and I knew he was great. My buddy was a Celtics fan, and he kept saying the Celtic were going to dominate the 76ers now. I tried to argue with him, but knew in my heart he was right.

On the morning of the 19th my buddy called while I was still in bed thinking about Sugar Smacks. He told me Bias had died. Had to be a practical joke right? But I heard the seriousness in his voice. He told me to turn on the news. I ran downstairs, turned the TV on, and there it was. It’s was a nightmare. I just broke into tears. I couldn’t contain myself. It didn’t matter what team I was a fan of, in that moment, I was a fan of life, and I felt like we all were being cheated. I was a 14-year old kid that idolized a 22-year old basketball player.

I lost my innocence that day, and the world lost a great basketball talent. In my opinion, all due respect to Marcus DuPree, Len Bias is “the best that never was.”

Rest in Peace #34.