I hate that I was late to the game on the “Cuddle Buddy” phenomenon

I use to think the term “cuddle buddy” was a euphemism for sex. I’d hear girls throw the term around and I’d think “these are good girls that want to do bad things, but desire to put a PG-13 label on it.”

As I matured and met new people I’ve learned that the term has nuance. It can mean anything from actually cuddling (clothes-on continual embrace) to full blown “circus sex.”

There are some women who actually crave the contact and closeness of cuddling without having their cavity searched. Go figure! At the end of a long day they really just want to be held.

So I have a very good female friend. I met her a few years back when I was in a committed monogamous long-distance relationship. I was instantly attracted but at the time I was being a good boy. She’s a real cool girl so we hung out sometimes, and eventually our relationship landed in the “friend zone.” We’ve stayed friends for years now, and have for the most part avoided those awkward moments that are endemic of a close male/female relationship.

So fast forward a few years later, we’re both single and she’s going through a “renaissance.” Renaissance is my word for when a girl is trying to find herself so she swears off relationships and sex for a little while to clear her head. We’re at lunch one day, and she floats the cuddle buddy gig past me.

In my mind I’m fairly certain I’m going to decline. Reason being, we really do have a solid friendship, one of the purist friendships I’ve ever had and it wouldn’t be worth muddying the waters. But because I’m the intellectually curious sort, I did want to know what the job would entail, so I shot her a few queries.

Question:
What type of guys would you be looking for?

Answer:
An attractive guy, with a good personality, fun to be around

Question:
So a gay guy couldn't do this?

Answer:
Hell No!

Question:
Does the guy have to be attracted to you physically?

Answer:
Yes, it would be good if he were into me. Ideally he likes me a little more than I like him. Somebody that's not overly aggressive

Question:
Can he have a girlfriend?

Answer:
No! I don’t know…. Maybe? It depends.

Question:
Can he be banging out chicks while he’s working for you as a cuddle buddy?
Would that disqualify him?

Answer:
Well, I’d rather he not be, but if he is, I don’t want to hear about it!

Question:
What can he touch?

Answer:
Huh?

Question:
What body parts can he touch?

Answer:
While we’re cuddling he can touch me. It would be great if he had really good hands.

Question:
What about kissing?

Answer:
I’m sure it would be some of that. You know sweet kisses.

Question:
Would you eventually have sex with this guy?

Answer:
No! I don’t know…. Maybe? It depends.

Question:
So you’re telling me you can be hugged up with a dude you’re attracted to, that is attracted to you for months on end; a dude with a good personality, good hands, patience, and apparently no girlfriend and not have sex with him?

Answer:
Okay, Okay. Yeah we’d probably do it.


So the end result of bad girl definition of cuddle buddies ends in sex, and the good girl definition of cuddle buddies also end in the same place. Obviously this is a Jedi mind trick that women play on themselves for piece of mind. But is there some good in this for men?

I dropped all the new data into the logical mind and arrived at the following.

A man that exercises patience and prudence reaps the benefits of: detached buns, which is regular sex without the responsibility of being the boyfriend. The economics are favorable too. You’re on call but you aren’t expected to plan dates and spend large sums of money. Most nights you can pick up some take out, hit Red Box for a movie, and you are GOLD!

The woman has the benefit of being in control, and getting her oil changed on a regular basis without all the relationship expectations. This is good for when woman are "in between" relationships, and is a decent substitute for an actual relationship.

And the societal benefit is that men, and women are getting their “stank-on” which promotes stress free living and overall wellness.

That is a Win/Win/Win. (3W)

A one time detractor of the cuddle buddy phenomenon has been converted into one of its staunchest supporters.

I hate the phrase "It is what IT is"

How would you feel if you were having a conversation with a friend, and you were discussing your job, or your family, you know, something that really matters? Your job is frustrating and your supervisor is demanding. A family member is placing an extraordinary burden on you. You share this with your friend in an attempt to gain some type of understanding or just some common relief if you will. And once you finish bitching to your friend he or she says “well you know blue is blue.”

Blue is blue? Really? Wouldn’t your first response to your friend be “ are you high?” It’s a ridiculous response right? So why is it acceptable at that very same moment to say, “It is what it is?”

I remember when I first heard that statement. I didn’t like the comment but it was a throw away. I didn’t allow it to bother me. I did some research then and found out that it was attributed to a NASCAR driver. Since then I’ve heard that Rodney Dangerfield would say it back in the 80’s. So that’s a redneck, and a comedian. I could live with it as long as the phrase stayed in those circles.

However, the phrase slowly started to seep into our daily lexicon. I started hearing it everywhere. It was starting to get absurd. USA Today proclaimed “It” the #1 cliché of 2004.

One day I’m watching an interview of the President of the United States. He was being questioned vigorously about the gridlock in Washington politics. He gave a very elegant, thoughtful, informative answer and then punctuated it with “it is what it is.”

I was crestfallen. This dumb, ignorant, hillbilly phrase fell from the lips of the leader of the free world. I couldn’t believe it. I knew then we’d never get rid of this phrase. It could not be murdered nor would it commit suicide. Like stupidity it would be with us forever!

Sidebar

I’m watching “Heat” a couple of weeks ago. Great movie; one of my favorites. There is a fantastic 5-minute scene towards the end where Pacino (cop) and Dinero (criminal) are having coffee at a diner. They are discussing what makes them tick, and they are foreshadowing their inevitable conflict. They start to discover that although they are diametrically opposing figures, they are essentially flip sides of the same coin. They seem to be embracing their kinship and then they go bottom line on each other. Pacino vows to take Dinero down no matter the fondness he developed over their conversation, and Dinero says. “It is what it is.” I guess I still hate the phrase, but I hate it now slightly less than I did before.

I hate that people really don't get this Tebow thing

A pier 6 brawl almost broke out at my weekly poker game last week. Friends who gather together weekly to escape their wives and families for a few hours of male bonding, were about to come to blows over this thing called TEBOW.

You know how people say don't talk politics or religion unless you're ready to go to war. Now TEBOW has become the third entry into the war cocktail. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone takes a side. No bystanders. It’s visceral.

Tebow is a lightning rod because of his faith. Angels love him. Devils hate him. But is it that simple?

The Broncos didn’t do Tebow any favors taking him in the 1st round of the 2010 draft. Pretty much everybody thought the Broncos over-reached to select him. They gave up numerous picks to get back into the 1st round to grab him.

Then Josh McDaniels, the coach that had faith in him, was fired last season. In 2011 Kyle Orton won the starting job but sucked so bad at the start of the season, that the Broncos had to give the job to Tebow. And all Tebow has done is WIN.

He wins, epically, ugly, atrociously, mind bogglingly, bafflingly, electrically, religiously.

The scientists love him, and the artists hate him.

After arguing the Tebow thing all during the poker game, we then took the argument to the Internet. We found articles supporting our arguments and sent them to each other. And when the Tebows miraculously beat the Bears last Sunday all hell broke loose. We got no work done on Monday. It was Tebow emails all day. Which led me to send this email.


“My 2 cents. He's like a handicapped, retarded, underdog, Rudy. He is "excelling" at something he has no business excelling at. And it’s entertaining as hell to watch. No coincidence that they are winning with him. Change of style, limiting turnovers, and Miller/Dumervil mixed with Tebow will win you a lot of games.
When they get to the playoffs they will lose by 20. Better teams in a lose-and-go- home format will sell out to beat them!"

The Football Science

The Broncos will make the playoffs because the above formula they are using is solid for the regular season. The formula will pretty much get you a 9-7 record every season.

Play action passes are a QB’s best friend; ask any QB. They slow down the pass rush, and gives the QB more time to scan the field. So can you imagine an offense where there is a threat to run the ball on every play. The defense always has to look for the run even on normal passing downs and distances. Defenses can’t use specialized personnel so they end up having to over use their starters. The game is more physical. The offensive line gets to attack, instead of being attacked. Defense linemen love to attack passing offenses because they can be the hammer. But when they play a running team like the Broncos they end up being the nail. This takes a toll, and in the fourth quarter they are exhausted.

Tebow knows this. He is playing the rope-a-dope and it’s working to perfection. Plus Defense Coordinators don’t want to wreck their schemes for one game against Denver during the regular season. They put in a few wrinkles and hope for the best. But in the playoff when a Super Bowl is at stake a team will button up and go to work on the Broncos.

So from a football sense there is an explanation for what’s going on in the mile high city.

The Football Divinity

But I will acknowledge this…

The Broncos are getting every break in these close games, and Tebow takes full advantage of each of them. I can’t watch the start of Broncos games, but you can better believe I’m tuned into the fourth quarter. These fourth quarters have been unreal. Chicago had Tebow dead to rights last Sunday, but we didn’t account for the resurrection.

There are intagibles that can't be taught or measured. There is a certain synergy when there is a true leader in place that can drain every ounce of potential from himself and his followers. Belief can make strange things happen.

Tebow Time is real. It's sofaking fun. Let's just enjoy it while it lasts. It's a moment in time that we can all share.

Now lets see if the anti-Christ Belichick can drive a stake through this guys heart this week.

I hate that JRB is a stand up dude

A few months back I posted a blog entry about my hatred for Jean-Robert Bellande. He read it and emailed me the following unedited response.




Wow. You put so much thought into your blog I figured you deserved a response from me. Let me start by saying I too hate the way I played that hand...however it was not brainless play or self-loathing that caused me to get my money in so poorly.

1stly, I was not a dog in that line-up as you suggest. Peter Jetten and Brandon Adams are the 2 players that are better than me. Tom Dwan, Huck Seed and Joe Cassidy are 3 people that do not ever put there money in charitable or neg ev situations and they each had 10% pieces of me.
Ferguson normally a non-factor from playing too tight. Matusow, grinder and ph are often down right juicy.

From my vantage point it looked like CF was using a new game plan in this session... It seemed like he was high roll squeezing us with all that FTP $...taking down pot after pot without ever a show down. My gut told me that he had keen full of shit... I see now that he actually had the goods everytime!

Normally passing AQ in this spot to a solid tight like CF would have been optimal but in poker you have to trust your gut and my gut told me that he was bullying the scared money. Flagging would've been ok too (and such an easy flop to fold too in hindsight)

When I opted to 4-bet, I wanted take away his 5 bet bluff-shove option by letting him know that I was pot-committed. I absolutely hate this part of my play but that was the reason for my huge over-bet. I believe that you are mistaken about 50k being left...I think I was left w about 40k and I was indeed pot committed( unless I could put him on aces or kings which he clearly did not have based on his deliberation...). Btw, everyone at that tbl knew that I'm quite capable of being a 3rd or 4th smooth caller w aces. They've seen me do it. However, as CF pointed out, I prolly wouldn't over-bet aces like that. Huck said I played such a beautiful trap except that I was missing the aa or kk lol.
As far as not running it twice... I was in a bit of shock at the moment w my life br in the pot and hadn't even thought of the option until afterwards. But that's not a significant error.

So brutal because I played the best of anyone at that tbl until that fkn hand.

Again I hate the way I played this hand. Just letting you know why I made these decisions...

It also sucks that I lost you as a fan.

gg wp

Ambassador of Poker
Aria Casino
JRB@JRBpoker.com

I hate that NBA Action is no longer FANTASTIC

I hate that the NBA is entrenched in labor strife. The little brother of the NFL is experiencing a little bit of “monkey see, monkey do syndrome.” The problem for the NBA is that it’s become a winter game. With the football being so dominant in the fall, no one really pays attention to the NBA until the Christmas game.

I grew up loving the NBA. The 76ers were my favorite team, and Dr. J. was my favorite athlete. The NFL has usurped the NBA as my favorite but the NBA has first love status. She’s still dear to me. A couple of weeks ago I was channel surfing and NBATV was showing a 76er double-header; Game 7 of the '82 Eastern Conference Championship Game in Boston Garden, and Game 4 of the '83 Finals against the Lakers when the 76ers finally got the monkey of their back, and won the Championship for Doc.

The 4 hrs of the NBA was great to watch, and I found myself taking note during both broadcasts.

Andrew Toney was a Beast! He had to be the most feared two-guard in the sport. He was smallish but could get his shot off against anybody. He was a miniature Bernard King. Hate that he had that career ending knee injury.

Dick Stockton alluded to Pat Riley speaking ill of the officiating in game 3 of the series and being fined 3K for it. This puts to bed the notion that this was a Phil Jackson creation. 3K wow. Players get charged 3K for technical fouls now. Inflation! Also, Bill Russell was the color guy (no pun intended) and asked Stockton “Did Riley lie” when speaking about the officiating, to which Stockton immediately lost his tongue.

Stockton also mentioned that back-up center Clem Johnson missed a previous game in the series due to a urinary tract infection. Had to play back the DVR to make sure I heard that one correctly. I did! 1983 was a different time and place. It was like the game was being televised on Cinemax and not CBS. How do you think Clem’s family, friends, and girlfriend reacted to that one?

Magic was guarding Dr. J exclusively. Thought that was kind of weird.

Jamal Wilkes’ jump shot is by far the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen in life. The word “fugly” hadn’t been invented at the time but it suits his jumper perfectly. How did that thing not get blocked more often?

Clem Johnson was a very skilled back up that would dominate the center landscape in 2011. He’d be the 5th best center in the league now behind Howard, Bynum, Duncan, Gasol.

I was trying to decide who the time machine “custodian” was between Ivaroni, and Rambis, and then Landsburger comes in off the bench, and totally nails it.

Bobby Jones, Clint Richardson, and the aforementioned Clem Johnson make a very formidable bench.

Every time Moses Malone’s name was mentioned “On the Boards” was soon to follow. Moses was to peanut butter, what on the boards was to jelly.

Russell once misspoke and said “man on man” defense instead of “man to man” defense. Maybe I’m the only one that cared about that one.

When guys went to the deck their team mates didn’t immediately run over to help them up. That would only happen to Chris Bosh in 2011.

Michael Coopers leaving his shorts string hanging outside is a cool look. Surprised in this day of individuality no one does this. Wonder if Stern grandfathered him in and then banned it in future CBA dress codes? Wonder if the players would take less money now if they could let the string hang?

Bobby Jones is just arms, and legs, attached to a torso. But then again aren’t we all?

It’s starting to become obvious that CBS has no spotter working. Stockton and Russell were missing stuff on the slow motion replays for heavens sake. Funny because Stockton still calls game. This weekend he called an MLB playoff game, and NFL regular season game. He probably has 2 spotter and he is still missing calls.

Kareem also had a sweet lefty skyhook.

Riley has “time machine clothes.” You know how when you watch most things from 30 years ago the clothes stand out first. Well Riley’s outfit would fit in today without question. Everything about that game was dated except Riley. That dude has to have made a deal with the devil. The name on his birth certificate may read Johnny Favorite. He’s timeless.

76er coach Billy Cunningham had a Nike logo on the chest pocket and sleeve of his blazer. Trying to figure out how Nike didn't MAKE this catch on?

There is no way Moses Malone has never ate a whole pan of cornbread. I’d stake my life on it.

Clem Johnson is sporting a Shag, Widows Peak, and Sideburns. The Sexy Trifecta!

Toward the end of the game Cunningham was putting in Clint Richardson for defense, and I noticed that Stockton never used the term “situational substitution.” I guess it hadn’t been invented yet.

In the post game after the 76ers won the championship. The players were yelling into the TV like they had never had a camera in their face before. It was unreal. They were more giddy to be on TV than to win the championship. Each and every one of them said “Hi Mom”. What happened to “Hi Mom?” No one says that anymore.

All in all the games were great. Might be the only NBA games I see for the next six month or so. Hope not but you never know!

I hate that Curb Your Enthusiasm is better without Cheryl

Cheryl David is the third best female sitcom character of the last 20 years. She slots in right behind Elaine Benes of “Seinfeld” and Liz Lemon of “30 Rock.” Cheryl is funny, charming, and has great chemistry with Larry David (Curbs lead actor).

Season 7 of Curb closed with Cheryl and Larry on the outs, and Season 8 abruptly began with the couple getting a divorce. I didn’t like it, but I knew that Cheryl was such an intricate character that the show would have to find a way to include her in future episodes. To my immediate chagrin Cheryl didn’t appear in episode two, and by the time episode three “Palestinian Chicken” rolled around I wasn’t missing her at all.

Her absence gives the show a prequel type of a feel now. We always wondered how Larry got so lucky as to wed Cheryl in the first place. She’s younger, hotter, and better than him; we assumed that it was the Seinfeld money that made him attractive. So now post-Cheryl we get to see single Larry in all of his glory. And I must say it is “prettay, prettay, prettay” impressive.

In the span of two episodes one of my favorites had become insignificant. Can you imagine “Seinfeld” without Elaine? Cheryl was the table setter of the show. The sneaky hot wife that could stand toe to toe with Larry, and sometimes even outwit him. Larry is certifiably crazy, and we needed Cheryl to make everything believable. Cheryl would hastily apologize for Larry’s social phobias, or try to hijack them before they could do any significant damage. She was perfect. Little did I know, she was actually holding the show back? Season 8 of Curb was the best ever, and the stories told could not have happened organically with Cheryl being an active player.

In Palestinian Chicken (Episode 3) Larry (a Jew) meets a Palestinian woman at a verboten Chicken spot, they have immediate hate chemistry, which leads to the unforgettable scene where she and he are swapping paint, in the bedroom, and she initiates dirty talk by yelling at him “I’m going to Eff the JEW out of you.”

In The Bi-Sexual (Episode 7) Larry and Rosie O’Donnell are courting the same woman, and so Larry resorts to “juicing” to beat the competition. Jane the courted eventually finds out and forbids Larry from entering her Hall of Fame.

In Mister Softee (Episode 9) Larry is dating a woman who doesn’t know about his childhood mental scars and thus doesn’t understand why he goes soft when he hears the Mr. Softee ice cream music. This leads to countless shenanigans ending with Bill Buckner redeeming himself of his 1986 mishandling of a ball at Shea, by catching a baby in New York City.

In Larry vs Michael J. Fox (Episode 10) Larry is dating a woman who has a 6-year-old boy who is “fierce.” The lad’s birthday is coming up and Larry tortures himself trying to find a suitable gift. He settles on a sewing machine. The boy loves it, but Susie feels it’s not appropriate for a boy. Larry confesses that he bought the gift because he assumed the boy was gay. Susie says he’s too young to be gay, in order to be gay you have to have sexual feeling towards the same sex. She continues that the boy probably doesn’t have any sexual feelings, thus can’t be gay. Larry agrees, and then says the boy is “pre-gay.”

Season 8 was fantastic. Larry David is a comedic genius. First “Seinfeid” and now “Curb.” Not too many shows can claim that they are doing their best work in their eighth season. I hate to say it but this is a classic case of “The Ewing Theory” which basically supports the concept of addition by subtraction. Cheryl, you have become a casualty of greatness. We love you, but don’t miss you.

I hate that Tony Romo plays like score is not being kept

The most important part of all competition is score. Score equals accomplishment. Final score determines winning and losing. So no matter how much you score, unless you’re ahead at the final score, you’re a loser.

Tony Romo has a great physical skill set for a quarterback. He’s has a quick release, he’s accurate, he’s mobile all the physical things you want in a QB. But mentally he leaves much to be desired.

The fourth quarter of the game is considered winning time. Romo, not unlike Lebron James has difficulty during this time. I’m not sure if it’s pressure though in his case. I think its just Romo loves to play football so much that he loses sight on playing winning football. And as a Cowboys fan we suffer because of this. We as fans need wins to feel good on Mondays.

Sunday, the Cowboys were up by 7 against the Jets, in the season opener. My Cowboys had command of the entire game. We were inside the Jets 5 yard line. A field goal basically ices the win for us. Romo scrambles and then inexplicably takes off for the goal line, on third down, and dives for a touchdown. This play takes much guts, but little common sense. Like I said, a field goal wins it. When the play wasn’t there he should have played for the win, but he decided to play for the thrill.

Losers play for the thrill. Romo is an adrenaline junkie. He can’t help himself. He wants, nay, needs games to be close for some reason.

Romo fumbles on that dive for the end zone. The momentum of the game shifts, and the Cowboys end up losing by 3 points. Romo has no idea how bad that loss really was on Sunday. A win on the road against a quality team is hard to come by. On top of that there is a mental advantage to winning the first game of the season. The Cowboys play the AFC East this year with two home games against the Bills, and Dolphins. They could have ended up 3-1 against that division. The Cowboys also play the NFC West, which is an also-ran division where they could easily go 3-1. So even if they went 3-3 in their own division that would have left them very close to 10 wins and a playoff birth.

Now all bets are off, and the 49ers game this week is a must-win. You know if you ask loser QB’s about the game, they always say they want to make plays, or they dream about making the big throw in the big game. But a winning QB dreams about being in the Victory Formation, kneeling down with a lead in the big game.

So now Monday sucks, and I have to take all my frustration out on clients, and co-workers. They don’t deserve this, but its trickle down. Romo, does it to me, and then I must do it to you. I can’t imagine where it ends. There is probably some kid somewhere getting reamed and he has no idea why. I’m sure if he re-traced the evidence it would lead back to Tony Romo, and his disregard for winning.

Tony why do you hate winning so much? It’s done nothing to you. Winning is cute and has a great personality. I’m going to set you guys up on a blind date. I think you’ll like each other.

Until Romo gets his priorities in order Cowboy Nation will be forced to be thrill seekers, and miss out on all the winning that our brethren in New England, Green Bay, and Pittsburgh, get to experience.

Bobby Knight once said "Dumb loses more than smart Wins." I'm not sure if truer words have ever been spoken.