I hate when women offer to pay the TIP

 

When I was a poor college kid just getting by, I went with a few friends down to Georgetown. We wanted to treat ourselves to a nice meal, so we decided to go to Sequoia. It's right there on the waterfront with a perfect view of the Kennedy Center. This place quickly became my “closing” spot in DC. Gentlemen if you live in DC trust me... This is the spot where you can put some serious points on the scoreboard, but I digress. So we ate at this fine dining establishment. Filled our bellies, the check came. I grabbed it so I could divide it up and as I scanned the bill I asked aloud....Who ordered the GRATIUTY? I had no idea what gratuity was...all I knew was it was pricey. BYGONES...

So fellas...picture this you've asked a female out for a meal. Could be friend, someone you're trying to get close to, co-worker or acquaintance. You go out. You're having a great time. Conversation is flowing, good vibes are permeating and happy feelings are everywhere. At the end of the meal the server brings the bill. Lays it down in front of you because you look the part. Society dictates that you pay. A) because you invited her...and B) because you're a man. MEN... We have accepted this. We hold this truth to be self-evident. We have no qualms with it. In fact we enjoy it. It's expected of a gentleman. Any self respecting man grabs that check... pulls out his wallet, and pays the piper.... No questions asked....no strings attached. IT'S WHAT WE DO.

WHAT WE HATE is when the lady we're treating asks “how much it was?”...”I want to know so I can leave the tip” What the fuck is this? What kind of 15% Jedi Mind Trick is this? I consider myself a pretty intelligent dude and for the life of me I can't figure out why women don't understand that we hate this. I know what they are trying to do...they are trying to let us know that they appreciate the meal, and they are trying to get rid of the guilt of not asking to go DUTCH, so they think “putting something on it” will be sufficient. They don't understand it's insulting to us.

We asked you out. Obviously we can afford to pay for the meal. If the TIP is going to be the “tipping point” why invite someone out? When a man buys flowers or chocolates you don't ask the total so you can pay 15% …..so why a meal? And by the way... paying the tip isn't even paying for a portion of the meal. You're not really giving me anything back for your portion of the meal.. What you're doing is paying the stranger that brought out the food. So let me get this straight... I invite you out. I show you a nice time. I pay for the food/drinks etc.... and you give money to the help...to show ME your appreciation. Seriously...how do you not know that this is a terrible idea?

When men get together and share a meal NO ONE SAYS I'll get the TIP.... and when WOMEN get together NO ONE SAYS I'll get the TIP.

Look... I know it's hard. You want to be treated well. You don't always want to go DUTCH, and yet in still you don't want to give men the wrong impression. I get it. So here's what you do. I call this the 20% rule. If you spend time with a generous person that picks up the tab regularly EVERY 5^th outing take care of the bill. Or invite him out for coffee or a movie and tell him you're treating...Also pay attention. The guy isn't going to offer to pay the tip...Which should be the greatest indicator that you never should either.

I hate LaDainian Tomlinson

Just because your first name starts with an L, and your last name starts with a T doesn't give you the right to call yourself “LT” especially if you play professional football. We've let this slide long enough. LaDainian Tomlinson is not “LT” There is only ONE “LT”. His name is Lawrence Taylor, and he is the best defensive player in NFL history. You can't steal his name because your parents gave you a dumb name like LaDainian and it's too hard and arduous for people to pronounce. People at NFL Network should be ashamed of themselves for falling for the banana in the tailpipe. So henceforth LaDainian Tomlinsons....your nickname is LD.

Similarly there is a NASCAR driver going around calling himself Jimmie Johnson. He obviously thinks it's okay because he spells it with an 'IE' instead of the 'Y'. It's NOT okay Jimmie! There is only ONE Jimmy Johnson and he is the former coach of the National Champion Miami Hurricanes, and the World Champion Dallas Cowboys. So henceforth Jimmie Johnson your name is JJ or DoubleJ.

Look... Wallace from “The Wire” got it right. His parents named him Michael Jordan. He knew that wouldn't fly so he acts under the name Michael B. Jordan.

Dumb Dwight Howard got it wrong when he stole the Superman moniker from Shaq. First of all Shaq was still playing... Secondly Shaq has a large Superman tattoo on his bicep.... Thirdly Dwight could have easily chose Iron Man which is a better fit especially when he plays for a team now that’s colors are red and yellow.

History, literally teaches us this lesson. The 2^nd President of the United States was John Adam.... The 6^th President was John Adams, but he branded himself John Quincy Adams. If he can do it Tomlinson and Johnson can also acquiesce.

A few years back I was at home, and had the television going in the background. The Kentucky Derby was on. I heard the sportscaster say “Stay tuned we have a special report coming up from Randy Moss.” I had to do a retake. I hit the DVR and listened to it again... Did he say Randy Moss? Oh shit.... Randy Moss is into horse racing. I knew he was from West Virginia, but this is some out of the box stuff. The entire 4 minutes of commercial time was filled with excitement. Can you believe my chagrin when NBC went back to the Derby, and Randy Moss was a white bald pasty dude? WTF! Dude. Randy Moss is one of the most recognizable names in sports. I don't care what your parents named you.... You have a moral obligation to change it once someone takes it to heights you'll never be able to achieve. But wait there's more. This dude had the audacity to start working NFL beats, and doing NFL games. Are you serious? Unforgivable dude... Unforgivable... So henceforth Randy Moss your new name is Blank Hole!

I Hate Death

I recently lost Grady. She was my Steward, my Mentor, my Friend.

I was taught from a young age that death is the final step in life and is not something to be distraught over. I believe this. We all, at some point, must shed our mortal coil. My mind knows this to be true, but yet and still I feel stung.

We are all born....we are all created equal...but some...some.....through pure will and determination decide that their life will be exceptional. And through that choice they will not die equal. When we lose someone of that ilk it feels different. When someone truly great dies it should hurt!

Grady was the most unique woman I ever met. My mom, and grand mom were strong women on the inside, but Grady was strong inside and out. She would make a strong man's knees buckle. Seeing this, I was immediately attracted to her.

She was “Pushback” “Thrive” “Bossypants” and “Lean In” before they were ever written. A lady, living in a mans world that innately knew what it took to be the best of both.

She was a standard bearer, a force of nature, that led through sheer force of will.

Her wisdom was pristine. She knew how to read people, and she knew human nature was usually the catalyst and/or result of most decisions. Her simplicity was genius.

In a world full of takers Grady was a giver. And she could afford to be a giver because she was a producer first and foremost.

I was recently re-reading “The 48 Laws of Power” and while reading I was reflecting on influential people in my life. It was amazing how many times Grady came to mind.

The chapter “Re-create Yourself” …......Grady

“Despise the Free Lunch” ….........Grady

“Assume Formlessness”..........Grady

“Stir up water to catch fish”

“Keep others in suspended terror”

“Never outshine the Master”

Grady.... Grady..... Grady.

Keep in mind this was a woman born in 1927.

My favorite thing about Grady was her quick wit, and sense of humor. Everyone that knew and loved her did an impression of her. Her melodic tone, blended with a distinct cadence, hummed to a snappy rhythm. I can hear it now.... When someone seemed overwhelmed and in over their heads she'd say “He was a lost ball in high weeds.”

I remember going to a ceremony with her where there were bed sheets on a dining table instead of table clothes.... without missing a beat she quipped “We're living in (President) Hoover's time.”

No doubt my life was made better and more enjoyable because of the years I was blessed to know her.

Today I hate death because it took Grady away.

I hate when the punishment doesn’t fit the crime

 

Clippers owner Donald Sterling is stupid….he is ignorant…..he is arrogant…but is he a racist? Can a man be a racist that hires and employs Elgin Baylor for 22 years?  Can he be a racist when he allows his point guard (Chris Paul) to stage a coup ousting a white coach (Vinnie Del Negro) for a black one (Doc Rivers)?

When I was done listening to the TMZ recordings I didn’t think racist at all.  Sterling said some inflammatory things in the privacy of his home (purchased for his mistress), but did they rise to racism or hate speech?  I think not.  Should he be forced to sell his team? NO.

After I heard the recording I wished that his mistress had about 40 more IQ points because it could have led to a fascinating conversation on the state of race in America.  I wished his mistress was a Rula Jebreal or Michelle Bernard because then the conversation would have been less entertaining and more substantive. 

I’m torn (as a black man) because it was damn cool to the see the player show solidarity, and use soft power to achieve their goal.  In the midst of last week’s media circus I jotted down 10 words that I felt defined the proceedings.

OCTOGENARIAN

Mr. Sterling is 81 years of age.  He was born in the 1930’s.  He was 33 years old when blacks were given the right to vote.  He was born when there was a very real “caste system” in America.   He has lived through Jim Crowe, segregation, separate but equal, integration, Negro, colored, black, African American.  Things/changes we take for granted today, he had to learn, and re-learn.  My grandfather is an octogenarian, and there is no way I would want his conversations taped, and released to the masses for consumption.

ARISTOCRACY

Wealthy, well to do, people live differently than ordinary people.  Sterling has a wife, and open side-piece.  He has a very public life with both.  No one bats an eye. It’s accepted.  It’s commonplace. Not unlike Arabs that take multiple wives, he’s accustomed to buying things instead of asking for them.  He’s accustomed to people around him doing what he demands because their livelihood often depends on it. 

OWNERSHIP

Maybe the NBA should adopt the term CEO for their club proprietors instead of “owner”? Maybe they should come up with a better term than “Free Agency” when player’s contracts are up?  Maybe they should get rid of those “Property Of” practice t-shirts that players wear?

Make no mistake powerful people often in a show of hubris say things like “If it weren’t for me they would be nothing” “I made you” “You wouldn’t be shit without me” so when a powerful check signer says “I feed them, I buy their cars, I buy their homes”,  it doesn’t sound racist to me. It sounds rich!

SVENGALI

Men have sought to control women since time immemorial.  And men who have lots of money do a better job than us ordinary Joes.  When you buy food, car, and home for a woman you own her.  If she’s not bringing any finances to the situation then she has allowed herself to become an accessory to the man.  She becomes a living breathing piece of furniture.  Sterling had every right to believe that he could speak freely in front of his “furniture” without recourse.

When you are in a relationship your other half is a direct reflection on you.  I’m a single guy, and know that If I’m in a relationship I can’t die my hair purple without having a conversation about it, because when we go out…she got to deal with my purple hair.  She got to deal with her friends asking question about my purple hair.  My purple hair becomes her purple hair. 

Sterling never said don’t associate with minorities.  He said don’t publicize it, (because my racist friends will give me shit about it.)

You can best believe if my grandma knew what Facebook was, and could get to my account, and saw lots of pictures with me and white women … she would say…. Baby don’t you know any good black girls?  Baby why do you only have pictures with white woman?  And she would feel some type of way about it!  Prejudice lies dormant in each and every one of us.

 

INSECURE

Old men are insecure when they are dating young women for obvious reasons.  Powerful black men are insecure because they wonder if they are still looked down on by powerful white men. 

Magic Johnson caught feelings about this because a rich white man was telling a rich black man he was common/ordinary.  It felt a little like when Oprah got her feeling hurt in Europe a few years back.  It’s the “Oh not me…I have enough money that I don’t have to deal with this shit anymore.” (Syndrome)

Magic is beloved however.  His was the wrong name to mention.  If Sterling had left Magic alone he would probably have survived this.

PRIVACY

Imagine this for a moment. Sterling is 3 persons removed from a Saudi who hates America.  His phones are tapped by the NSA.  A Laker’s fan is the tech administering the wire-tap.  The Laker Tech loves Magic, and leaks the recording.  Where are we at now?  How do we feel about it now? Do we think there is injustice now?

NIGGER

At this point I haven’t heard Sterling, on any of these recordings; use the N-word to describe the players that work for him. But a few months back Matt Barnes, a Clipper player, tweeted that his team mates were N-words, and he only received a fine.

 

LARRY BIRD

Poor Larry Bird, just weeks after he had to relive the “BAD BOYS” documentary he gets brought in to the nonsensical conversation between an old fart and a young side-piece.  Bird can’t catch a break.  He is the Mario Andretti of white basketball players.  You know how when someone is driving real fast and you say… who do you think you are? … Mario Andretti.  Bird is now that… Great white basketball player…. Who do you think you are? ….. Larry Bird.   As the old racist black guys in the barber shop of “Coming to America” said… “That’s their ONE.”

OPTICS

There is an important distinction between someone being told not to associate with a group of people as opposed to being told not to publicize an association with that group.  It’s not semantics.  It’s real.  Back in 2008 then Senator Obama’s campaign got in a bit of hot water because they removed a couple of Arab women from a photo op in Detroit.  It wasn’t about the women.  It was about the optics. Everyone has to live in their own reality.  Everyone has to deal with their own peer group, and everyone tries to avoid giving other people fodder when possible. 

HYPERBOLE

I really couldn’t believe how much play this story got.  On the racism scale from 1 to 10 this was a 2, but it got treated like a 10.  I was fully expecting a hefty fine (stupidity tax) and a suspension through the remainder of the playoffs.  When the commission said banned “FOR LIFE” I was shocked.  Blacks rejoiced. Not sure why, but it reminded me of the rejoicing over the OJ verdict.  What is the rejoicing really for?  Justice did not prevail then and it didn’t prevail now.  Both outcomes ring very hollow.

 

I hate DOMA

Last year I wrote the following as part of the blog post “Why Blacks Hate Gays”

“The freedoms that blacks fought for in the 50’s and 60’s were called “civil rights” but I think they were mislabeled. They should have been called “equal rights”. Blacks were seeking equality not civility. I think what gays are seeking is “civil rights.” Equal rights are for people that are the same who want to be treated the same. Civil rights are people that are different wanting to be treated the same.”

I got some push back from some friends on this, so today I extend this idea lending clarity to very complicated subject matter.

First let me be clear; I believe in liberty. I believe in freedom.  I believe in equal protection under the law. I believe that the large majority of gay people are born gay, through no fault of their own.  However, the birth of a gay child prior to in vitro fertilization in 1978 could only occur through sexual activity between a man and a woman (FACT).  Even today absent adoption, a test tube, or a surrogate, a gay couple cannot produce a straight or gay child (FACT).  If the first cave men were gay we wouldn’t be here today (FACT).

Nature provides parallels for us to examine.  Mules are a hybrid of a horse and a donkey.  Mules can’t reproduce.  A male and female mule can’t create a baby mule.  Mules would become extinct if not for the horse and the donkey.  Gay people would become extinct if not for the combination of man and woman.  Gay people can move society forward through ideas, and innovations but they can’t move it forward genetically in a fundamental organic way. 

Gay people are a derivative of straight people.  They are a hybrid.  They are a deviation.  They deserve the same protections under the law as straight people.  They are not equal because they can’t reproduce themselves (OPINION).

We straight people are stupid because we fought against gays wanting to build lives with their loved ones.  Civil unions made all the sense in the world, and yet we fought against them.  Straight people were so petrified that they created the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in an attempt to thwart gays from encroaching on hallowed ground.  As if marriage can still be considered sacred, when more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. 

I honestly believe gay people in their hearts know that they are different.  If they had been given the opportunity to have civil unions in all 50 states they would have been content with it.  But once straight law makers overreached, gays went for the jugular, because, based in our declaration of independence there is a “pursuit of happiness” idea that trumps divisive behavior and exclusion. 

People that are less than equal need to be protected equally under the law.  As long as civil unions were treated equal to marriage there would have been no need to fight for marriage rights.

Here is where things get uncomfortable. 

Ask any straight father what he secretly worries about concerning an unborn son?  He’ll say that he doesn’t want his son to turn out gay.  Men prefer their sons to be healthy and straight.  They are sad if either one of the two is in question.  Straight fathers wish” straightness” on their sons; In contrast gay fathers don’t wish “gayness” on their sons.  Because they know how hard it is.  They know it’s a burden, and they know it’s not normal.  They won’t wish that difficult life on their child because they love them, and they want the best start in life for them. 

Overreach will always leave you vulnerable.  Civil Rights fill in the grey areas so that people that are not equal get treated fairly.  Equal Rights highlight the unfair treating of equals.  It’s a subtle distinction that means everything.

I hate AIDS Charity

 

A few months back someone very special to me asked me to participate in the “Atlanta AIDS Walk” that she was helping to organize.  I had a visceral reaction to her request.  She read my facial expression as a NO, and said “Well, if you won’t participate, will you donate $100 to us?” To which I hesitated and then replied somewhat dismissively, “Let me think about it.”  Keep in mind that this is her primary charity for which she is very passionate.  A “spirited” conversation ensued.  I won’t share the conversation verbatim but I will let you know what my thoughts yielded.

At the time of the conversation I had no problem with AIDS Charities.  I was never involved in one, but never shunned one either.  I guess I was neutral.  I’d hear about these events and they would just seem so far away, like make believe.  I was never forced to deconstruct them as an idea until my girl put it right in my lap.  As it happens, I was able to achieve clarity, and this is how my thoughts lined up.

Have you ever given blood? If you have, you know that you are asked more questions than your typical Standardized Aptitude Test.  The screening process is rigorous to insure against things like the HIV virus being transmitted through blood transfusions.  The process has become so successful that it’s actually newsworthy when a transfusion transmission occurs. 

I said that to say, in 2014 innocents are no longer directly affected by HIV in America.  Virtually the only way to acquire HIV in 2014 is to share a needle (preventable), engage in unprotected sex (preventable), or be the child of an HIV carrier (unfortunate but preventable).  At Its very core HIV/AIDS in a Sexually Transmitted Disease. Not unlike Herpes, and I don’t see anyone organizing a walk or collecting donations for “the Herps.”

Hyperbole abounds as people call HIV/AIDS an epidemic/pandemic. I guess if one only looked at the totals, how that 75 million people worldwide have been infected; that conclusion would seem apropos.  But can a disease that is 100% preventable be given plague status?   Can we justify the ungodly amount of money that goes into researching a disease that is predicated on poor decision making?  AIDS could be cured in the next 50-75 years if any one of the following suggestions were implemented.

KILL EVERYONE THAT HAS HIV

I know this one is ridiculous, but it highlights the fact that this disease should be thought about differently than real diseases. For instance, if you killed everyone that has cancer would cancer not exist? No.

CASTRATE EVERYONE THAT HAS HIV

Talk about using a sledge hammer on a tack.  This would get the job done but it’s a bit inhumane.

QUARANTINE EVERYONE THAT HAS HIV

Create a town called “AIDS IDAHO” or “AIDS WYOMING” and send all HIV cases there to live.  Effective, but probably encroaches on some civil liberties.

MARK EVERYONE THAT HAS HIV

Tattoo a skull and crossbones right above the genitals so people know exactly what they are getting into.  Hey Now!!! Again, probably a civil liberties issue.

HIV CARRIERS STOP HAVING SEX

Effective, but improbable.

HIV CARRIERS STOP HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX

Easily accomplished, effective, necessary, and unfortunately improbable.

Listen there are a limited amount of resources in the world.  At some point those resources should be prioritized. If you were running an ER and two serious gun-shot wounds came through the door.  One self-inflicted from an attempted suicide; the other a innocent bystander…. All things being equal….. Who would you treat first? Who should you treat first? Who deserves to be treated first?  At some point the phrase “by no fault of his own” needs to carry some weight in this upside down crazy world we live in.

I hate Black History Month

Last week I got an email from Google Play the subject line was…..

”Hot New Games & Music to Celebrate Black History Month”

Later that week I got an advertisement from a car dealer with a similar enticement….. Basically asking me to purchase a car in celebration of Black History Month.

These encounters led me to think about Black History Month in a more critical way, allowing me to ponder the very utility of it.  So I asked myself the question; has Black History Month outlived its usefulness?  The resulting YES, led me down a rabbit hole that eventually begged the question… Was Black History Month a good idea in the first place?

Black History Month became an “official” national bookmark in 1976. The idea germinated at Kent State University in 1970 from the seed of “Negro Week” a Carter G. Woodson creation back in 1926.  I understand the idea behind it; establishing institutions so that the contributions and sacrifices of a people are not forgotten.  I get it.  It’s the old adage “you can’t know where you’re headed unless you know where you came from.”  However, can we truly say that Black History Month has yielded the results that were originally intended?

In 1976, when Black History Month was adopted, the country was coming off the heels of the Civil Rights movement.  The fact that it took a movement to highlight human inequality was an embarrassment to the populous.  In 1976, blacks were establishing pride, whites were feeling guilty; probably not the best environment for rational thought. The foundation wasn’t sure enough to start building institutions.  The country should have waited for cooler heads to prevail. 

Today, Black History Month is a punch line… We all can finish the joke of “Why is Black History Month in February?”  Black History Month has become too commercial. Why else would Google a multi-billion dollar company feel comfortable sending me an email to buys games, and music in celebration of it.  Keep in mind that Google Play sells books, and movies that highlight the “black experience” in America, yet chose to advertise games, and music to me.  Interesting!!! 

 The first 300 years of American history is distorted by slavery.  Blacks didn’t accomplish as much as they could/should have because of VERY REAL limitations placed on our freedom. This eventually led to blacks in the 1980’s wanting to be called African American in an attempt to connect dots back to our greatness in the 1500’s. Blacks should have demanded that World History be taught alongside American History in EVERY school instead requesting a month to celebrate.

Strategically, Black History Month missed the mark.  It asked for far too little.  It’s reminiscent of the Indians selling Manhattan for $24.  The goal should have been to change the way history is taught.  The thrust should have been to transform history curriculums.  Less US-centric history and more World-centric history.  Why take 1 month out of 12 when blacks from African descent were the original people…the very FIRST human beings?  BLACK HISTORY IS AMERICAN HISTORY. THERE IS NO NEED TO PARSE IT.

Did you know that May is Jewish American Heritage Month, and March is Irish American Heritage Month respectfully?  You probably didn’t because Heritage is personal.  Heritage is family.  Heritage is culture.  Heritage is not institutionalized, branded, commercialized. 

I can’t wait until all the labels disappear.  Until we live in a post-racial society, when every person is brown.  In less than 50 years, minorities become THE MAJORITY…THEN WHAT? There is a spiritual relevance in living NOW, the way things will EVENTUALLY be.  Some people know instantly what is right, and change immediately, while others realize it and fight to maintain the status quo, not understanding that history will only remember them as a road block.  TIME NEVER GOES BACKWARDS. There will come a day when there will be 43 consecutive brown Presidents.  Ask yourself, when that day comes, should whites petition for White History Month?  Also ask yourself, when that day comes, will Black History Month be necessary? If not, is it necessary NOW?