27 Thinks to Leave Behind in 2014 by Stacey Woods (Esquire Magazine)
1. Liking Things Ironically
The Baby Boomers rebelled against their dorky parents. We Gen Xers, however, couldn't rebel against our parents since rebelling against your parents had been done, so instead, we cultivated irony; it was all we could do. This subtle, handcrafted irony, however, has fallen into the hands of subsequent generations who have been misinterpreting ever since, and now we have dorky a cappella singing competitions on TV. Ironically, that's what happens when you try to be ironic — you end up making things a million times worse. Therefore, all intentional irony should be abolished until everyone's clear on what's good and what's bad. It'll probably take about five years.
2. Being All Ghetto
Getting your drink on, making it rain up in here, giving a shout out, being all about things, and throwing gang signs in pictures are all about 15 years out of date and weren't that great to begin with. Classically, a ghetto is a tragic place from which to emerge, not dive into and declare fabulous.
3. Stepping Up Your Game and/or Bringing Your A-Game
Just forget about your game completely.
4. The Namaste Gesture
When directed at, let's say, the dry cleaner, this abridged prayer and bow combo comes off as highly insincere. As with everything, if you can imagine Adam Levine doing it, you should avoid it.
5. Being Stoked
All too often, being stoked leads to giving a shout out. Best to avoid it.
6. Giving It Up
Conversely, giving it up for someone or something often succeeds giving a shout out, and should also be avoided.
7-9. Honoring Yourself, Practicing Mindfulness, and Manifesting What the Universe Wants for You
Over, over, over.
10. Chillaxing
Oh, don't feel bad for chillaxing. It had a good run.
11. The Falsetto Flourish
The advent of You Tube, Funny or Die, and other such do-it-yourself comedy outlets has had the odd effect of turning everyone into Jack Black. Saying something like, "I'mo get my drink on" with the "drink on" part sung in falsetto is a stylistic choice that cannot carry over into the new year. It might not seem like much now, but after a while, when things start to seem somehow better, we'll know it's because the Falsetto Flourish is gone.
12. Strong, Amazing Woman
It's become increasingly rare to hear women described without these two pat qualifiers. Maybe we could come up with two other ones, or maybe — better yet — we could let the strength and amazing-ness of women be quietly understood in a way that is truly strong and amazing. In the meantime, here's what you can say when describing a woman: "I want you to meet my friend Donna. She's really great."
13. Inventive Uses for "Much"
As in, "not so much" and "_____ much?" They may have been delightfully fresh in the '90s, but when your idioms are used to sell fast food and car insurance, it's time to abandon them.
14. Literally
Since "literally" can now mean "figuratively," we must stop interjecting it into our conversations in favor of the latter. Let's see if we now can get "figuratively" to mean "literally." Wouldn't that be great? We should figuratively do that.
15. Hey Lady
"Hey lady" has become the new "In the future" — a phrase that signifies something you don't want to hear. If I get an email that begins, "Hey lady," I delete it unread.
16. Being a Hater
Feel free to do it, just don't say it.
17. The Baby Clap Gesture
This stiff-handed, largely silent, staccato clap gesture that is often accompanied by a soft "Yay" (see below) stands in direct contrast to everything a clap should be. It's really goofing up clapping, and once clapping goes, we're doomed.
18. Right Now
As in, "Are you kidding me right now?" and "Are you serious right now?" A totally unnecessary utterance that takes time away from constantly saying "figuratively."
19. Awesomeness
The unauthorized noun-ification of a dead adjective. Lose both.
20. At the End of the Day, It Is What It Is.
Across this great land, roughly 500,000 times a day, one person says this to another person, who nods in agreement, neither of them realizing that they've just participated in the emptiest experience two people can have. No more.
21. Gamechanger
As previously stated, please delete all references to one's game.
22-25. Wheelhouse, Random, Bow Chica Wow Wow, and I Know, Right?
For obvious reasons.
26. Yay!
Perhaps it's because everyone's so thrilled about everything that this once vibrant exclamation has grown feeble. If we're going to talk like children, I propose we say, "Goody goody gumdrops!" It's just as dumb, but at least it's different.
27. Calling Something the Best _____ Ever
You can still do this as long as you only do it once in your life. Only one thing can be the best thing ever, so you'd better think long and hard about that scone before you open your mouth.
