I hate that people don’t know what GORGEOUS means

Ladies, if a man calls u gorgeous he either A. doesn’t know what the word means, or B is trying to fuck u. Okay. Back to work.

The above was a tweet I broadcast about 2 months ago right after I said it to a female friend of mine. We were chopping up her single moments, and she was telling me how a guy at the grocery store was kind of stalking her (in the store), followed her outside and then dropped the “Ms. You are gorgeous! I had to follow you, and introduce myself.” She was glowing as she retold the story. I could tell that it had boosted her confidence through the roof.

Now she’s attractive don’t get me wrong. But gorgeous… Gorgeous is rare. Super-rare. I can guarantee you; you’re not going to run up into gorgeous in the grocery store. I’d say my friend is pretty. So every time she said gorgeous my face twitched a little. She noticed it and said “Oh so you don’t think I’m gorgeous?” and then I hit her with the tag line.

She didn’t agree with me. So I had to break it down. Like I said gorgeous is rare. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder but to be gorgeous you must have a timeless aura, a glow, a certain magnetism, and above all radiance. Gorgeous takes beautiful out to the alley and beats the hell out of it.

The hierarchy of physical attractiveness for females greatest to least is;

Gorgeous
Beautiful
Fine
Pretty
Good Looking
Cute

The hierarchy for males is;

Fine
Handsome
Good Looking
Cute

Handsome is the male equivalent to pretty. But if you notice there is no male equivalent for beautiful or gorgeous. Look women are special creatures and should have one additional level on the hierarchy but two seems like overkill right? Well, that’s because it is. Beautiful should be at the top of the hierarchy but then what do we do with gorgeous?

Gorgeous is basically the Mount Rushmore of beautiful. There are only 5 women that are gorgeous.

Josephine Baker
Liz Taylor
Sophia Loren
Lena Horne
Raquel Welch

THAT’S IT !!!


These women transcend time, and like I said you’re not going to run into them at the Publix in Decatur. These women have beauty that is legendary, mythical, absolute, and undeniable.

So ladies if a guy calls you gorgeous understand it’s to get you high so he can bring you low.

Sidebar:

These women have the potential to be gorgeous but that will be up to the next generation to decide.

Monica Belluci
Halle Berry
Liz Hurley
Megan Fox

I hate that I was late to the game on the “Cuddle Buddy” phenomenon

I use to think the term “cuddle buddy” was a euphemism for sex. I’d hear girls throw the term around and I’d think “these are good girls that want to do bad things, but desire to put a PG-13 label on it.”

As I matured and met new people I’ve learned that the term has nuance. It can mean anything from actually cuddling (clothes-on continual embrace) to full blown “circus sex.”

There are some women who actually crave the contact and closeness of cuddling without having their cavity searched. Go figure! At the end of a long day they really just want to be held.

So I have a very good female friend. I met her a few years back when I was in a committed monogamous long-distance relationship. I was instantly attracted but at the time I was being a good boy. She’s a real cool girl so we hung out sometimes, and eventually our relationship landed in the “friend zone.” We’ve stayed friends for years now, and have for the most part avoided those awkward moments that are endemic of a close male/female relationship.

So fast forward a few years later, we’re both single and she’s going through a “renaissance.” Renaissance is my word for when a girl is trying to find herself so she swears off relationships and sex for a little while to clear her head. We’re at lunch one day, and she floats the cuddle buddy gig past me.

In my mind I’m fairly certain I’m going to decline. Reason being, we really do have a solid friendship, one of the purist friendships I’ve ever had and it wouldn’t be worth muddying the waters. But because I’m the intellectually curious sort, I did want to know what the job would entail, so I shot her a few queries.

Question:
What type of guys would you be looking for?

Answer:
An attractive guy, with a good personality, fun to be around

Question:
So a gay guy couldn't do this?

Answer:
Hell No!

Question:
Does the guy have to be attracted to you physically?

Answer:
Yes, it would be good if he were into me. Ideally he likes me a little more than I like him. Somebody that's not overly aggressive

Question:
Can he have a girlfriend?

Answer:
No! I don’t know…. Maybe? It depends.

Question:
Can he be banging out chicks while he’s working for you as a cuddle buddy?
Would that disqualify him?

Answer:
Well, I’d rather he not be, but if he is, I don’t want to hear about it!

Question:
What can he touch?

Answer:
Huh?

Question:
What body parts can he touch?

Answer:
While we’re cuddling he can touch me. It would be great if he had really good hands.

Question:
What about kissing?

Answer:
I’m sure it would be some of that. You know sweet kisses.

Question:
Would you eventually have sex with this guy?

Answer:
No! I don’t know…. Maybe? It depends.

Question:
So you’re telling me you can be hugged up with a dude you’re attracted to, that is attracted to you for months on end; a dude with a good personality, good hands, patience, and apparently no girlfriend and not have sex with him?

Answer:
Okay, Okay. Yeah we’d probably do it.


So the end result of bad girl definition of cuddle buddies ends in sex, and the good girl definition of cuddle buddies also end in the same place. Obviously this is a Jedi mind trick that women play on themselves for piece of mind. But is there some good in this for men?

I dropped all the new data into the logical mind and arrived at the following.

A man that exercises patience and prudence reaps the benefits of: detached buns, which is regular sex without the responsibility of being the boyfriend. The economics are favorable too. You’re on call but you aren’t expected to plan dates and spend large sums of money. Most nights you can pick up some take out, hit Red Box for a movie, and you are GOLD!

The woman has the benefit of being in control, and getting her oil changed on a regular basis without all the relationship expectations. This is good for when woman are "in between" relationships, and is a decent substitute for an actual relationship.

And the societal benefit is that men, and women are getting their “stank-on” which promotes stress free living and overall wellness.

That is a Win/Win/Win. (3W)

A one time detractor of the cuddle buddy phenomenon has been converted into one of its staunchest supporters.

I hate the phrase "It is what IT is"

How would you feel if you were having a conversation with a friend, and you were discussing your job, or your family, you know, something that really matters? Your job is frustrating and your supervisor is demanding. A family member is placing an extraordinary burden on you. You share this with your friend in an attempt to gain some type of understanding or just some common relief if you will. And once you finish bitching to your friend he or she says “well you know blue is blue.”

Blue is blue? Really? Wouldn’t your first response to your friend be “ are you high?” It’s a ridiculous response right? So why is it acceptable at that very same moment to say, “It is what it is?”

I remember when I first heard that statement. I didn’t like the comment but it was a throw away. I didn’t allow it to bother me. I did some research then and found out that it was attributed to a NASCAR driver. Since then I’ve heard that Rodney Dangerfield would say it back in the 80’s. So that’s a redneck, and a comedian. I could live with it as long as the phrase stayed in those circles.

However, the phrase slowly started to seep into our daily lexicon. I started hearing it everywhere. It was starting to get absurd. USA Today proclaimed “It” the #1 cliché of 2004.

One day I’m watching an interview of the President of the United States. He was being questioned vigorously about the gridlock in Washington politics. He gave a very elegant, thoughtful, informative answer and then punctuated it with “it is what it is.”

I was crestfallen. This dumb, ignorant, hillbilly phrase fell from the lips of the leader of the free world. I couldn’t believe it. I knew then we’d never get rid of this phrase. It could not be murdered nor would it commit suicide. Like stupidity it would be with us forever!

Sidebar

I’m watching “Heat” a couple of weeks ago. Great movie; one of my favorites. There is a fantastic 5-minute scene towards the end where Pacino (cop) and Dinero (criminal) are having coffee at a diner. They are discussing what makes them tick, and they are foreshadowing their inevitable conflict. They start to discover that although they are diametrically opposing figures, they are essentially flip sides of the same coin. They seem to be embracing their kinship and then they go bottom line on each other. Pacino vows to take Dinero down no matter the fondness he developed over their conversation, and Dinero says. “It is what it is.” I guess I still hate the phrase, but I hate it now slightly less than I did before.